


tripping on you

by ashtonxrwin (parkwaybeth)



Category: Sense8 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Fluff, M/M, OT8, basically im riley trash, cocaine??, riley blue centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 07:22:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4129558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parkwaybeth/pseuds/ashtonxrwin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>riley gives in to some cravings and doubts herself - thankfully, the cluster are there to help her through it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	tripping on you

**Author's Note:**

> okay i've never written anything sense8 before but i just binged the entire thing in 15 hours and i'm feeling very inspired.
> 
> this is pretty much everyone taking care of riley because she's a cinnamon roll and needs to be treasured. trigger warnings for drug use!!!

It happens a while later, when they know each other inside and out.

There isn’t a lead up to it; they don’t go from strangers to friends, from people inside one another’s minds to people who know every secret about each other. It’s sudden, as though the panic and the worry and stress of nearly losing not one, but 2 sensate’s in a day has bound them to one another.

There isn’t a moment in the day that Riley can’t feel Kala’s strength and raw emotion, Capheus’ positivity, Wolfgang’s startlingly strong loyalty. Nomi’s always there to reassure her of everything and Lito never fails to make her smile, not to mention Sun’s ability to keep her strong, to calm any doubts she has.

And Will. Will’s always there - physically and mentally. The Chicago apartment they share is tiny but perfect, filled with the overbearing scent of coffee, non-stop reruns of Parks and Rec and a sense of complete and utter happiness. She’s so happy but at the same time, so genuinely not.

There’s no excuse for it, really. She knows how disappointed they’d all be to find out how desperately hard she’s been trying to hide everything inside her - not because of the craving itself but because she hasn’t got the guts to tell them. Her pride won’t let her.

She knows that she can feel everything from everyone. She knows everything there is to know about their lives, from how they take their coffee and what they use to shower to the guilt Kala feels over Rajan and Wolfgang’s never ending shame over Felix yet she can’t quite work up to the courage to come clean about addiction, about her childish mistakes and about her broken past. Riley is disappointed in herself because of her dishonesty so she’d never be able to deal with the disappointment they’d surely have.

So she keeps it inside her and learns to block them out from those particular feelings but let’s them believe she’s an open book because it’s easier that way.

——

She sees Shugs in the grocery store. An old friend from her days in London, she nearly drops the basket she’s holding when she spots him at the checkout and is overcome with shock - to come from London to Chicago, to the very same supermarket in the same town is far too weird to be a concidence.

Wolfgang is beside her, that ever present line between his brows, and she can feel the rest of the cluster too, their guard up. “Who is he?”, he asks looking the man down as though sizing him up. She doesn’t remember when he slipped into that ‘big brother’ role and she wouldn’t normally complain (after all, she’d always wanted someone to look out for her) but this is too real, too close, too important.

“Someone from London, an old friend,” she explains simply. It’s not a lie but it’s as close to the truth as she’s willing to get. But he’s happy, and that comforts the cluster; Kala carries on with her lecture, Nomi diverts her attention back to Game of Thrones.

Riley starts towards him, nervous but confident. A quick hello, find out what he’s doing here and leave. Don’t let him offer you anything.

ldquo;Riley?!”, he shouts as he sees her, arms thrown wide and a toothy grin on his face. She smiles nervously, wrapping his arms around his waist softly and resting her face on his chest, the physical connection comforting her some.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Luke?”, she says, slipping back into her old tongue and she smirks slightly, an expression that feels odd and out of place. With Will, with the sensate’s, there’s no need for manipulation, for flirting. It’s simple, black and white.

He runs a hand through his thick hair, even longer than it was the last time she had seen him - a memory that flashed painfully through her mind, made her breath catch in her throat and her eyes widen.

Will is there, a hand in hers. “You can breathe,” he says gently, “just breathe.”>

She does.

“Bambie fucked off to Australia so I thought I should expand my horizons a bit. Get away from the shit'ole back home.” The one sided grin reminds her of different times - bad times, she tells herself. “What about you?”

“Boyfriend,” she tells him without thinking, inwardly cringing at the shocked raise of his eyebrows. “We only live down the road.”

There’s a change in his eyes. The friendly glint is replaced by a smirk and almost immediately she puts up her defences because she knows what he’ll say and she can’t have them hear it.

“I’ve got some pure shit if you want,” he says in a dropped tone, imperceptible to those walking around them, “You know I don’t mind sharing.”

The double innuendo is not lost on her and she’s reminded of her wilder days, of drinking and fucking away the pain.

There’s a palpable hesitation. Riley knows Will can’t know so they can’t go back to hers and when she thinks of Will she thinks of the cluster and thinks of Capheus’ disappointment and Sun’s judgment and Lito’s inevitable confusion.

It sickens her that although that makes the drugs seem slightly less appealing, there’s still nothing she wants more than to go with Shugs and take whatever he’s got.

The wall she’s built starts to slip as she contemplates the consequences of what she so desperately wants to do.

“Give me your phone,” she tells him, taking the offered possession. She unlocks it and inserts her number, sending a text to her own phone. “How long are you in Chicago for?”

He smirks, the prospect of getting high with her now a solid in his mind. “I’m leaving next Friday.”

“I’ll text you.”

She lifts the barrier and feels the worry of 7 other people slip through to her. Will is there immediately, a hand on her shoulder and a sigh of relief when he realises she’s fine.

Riley gives Shugs a smile, wrapping her arms around his neck. “See you around?” She phrases it as a question and he winks, nodding before squeezing her shoulder and walking away.

The hand of the man she loves feels heavy, just like the lies hanging over her head.

—-

She holds out for 5 days.

The support of the cluster keeps her sane; they feel that she needs them even when they don’t know why and they don’t hesitate to provide her with the comfort she so desires which makes the text she sends on Thursday feel so much worse.

The messages they exchange are quick, his address and a time and a ‘looking forward to it’. Will tries to look over her shoulder as he makes pancakes for them and she nearly drops her coffee in the haste to lock the screen - the lies are horrible and are crushing her down but the promise of a quick fix is took to turn down.

The afternoon arrives and she makes a half arsed excuse to Will (and thus, the cluster) and walks the distance to Shugs’. When she walks in to his cramped apartment there’s 2 baggies already on the table, a couple of dollar bills lying next to them and the need for the drug becomes almost too much to handle.

She chuckles as she struggles to draw a line out so he takes the card and does it for her, mockingly rolling the bill too, to which she narrows her eyes.

The burn at the back of her throat is the most comforting sensation she’s felt in a while and the feeling that follows is worth the lies and deceit - she thinks, anyway. She sinks into the sofa, barely remembering to keep her guard up and prevent anyone from finding out.

As Riley falls into a state of pure ecstasy, Wolfgang brakes his car and slams his hand of the wheel, Sun falls to the ground as a foot slides under her legs in the ring, Nomi feels a strange sense of completeness yet none of them realise why. —-

Shugs goes back to England and Riley falls back into her normal life. There are no more cravings, she doesn’t have to hide anything and she can actually be happy with everything.

The cluster can feel the positivity she’s radiating and the group feels more whole than it has in a while, even though no one had even noticed a change. She’s happier with Will than ever and feels somewhat complete.

At night she feels guilty that this newfound cheerfulness is the product of cocaine but she comforts herself with the idea that she’d have been sucking happiness from the cluster had she not fallen victim to those cravings.

It’s no help. The weight of the lies are still there and there’s this cave in her chest that wants to open, to let out all the secrets but she can only imagine their disappointment if they ever knew.

None of them had ever had drug problems; she knows that Wolfgang experimented with marijuana, as did Nomi, but she’s certain that Kala and Capheus would never understand. And for chrissakes, her boyfriend is a cop - there is no way to explain this to Will, she knows. Any plausible scenario does not bode well and she can’t deal with losing any more people.

She feels, ironically, in the supermarket. Will is talking about which brand of cereal is the best and giggling away to himself like he always does, eternally positive, and one moment she’s laughing and the next she’s gagging. Riley runs down the aisle to the nearest bin and dry heaves, feeling Will pull her hair back and the rest of the cluster standing around looking worried - Kala touched her forehead and her hand comes away damp with sweat even though Riley feels cold, so cold.

“Riley, what’s wrong?”, Will asks, sounding so completely worried it makes her heart ache. She shakes her head, the motion causing her to gag once more but when she stands up she realises that her sickness has moved through everyone - Kala looks weaker than normal and Nomi’s usually tan skin had a pale green tinge that can’t be healthy.

Of course she knows what it is. How could she not? It’s not the first time, but the last time she’d had a support system that knew what she was dealing with - not this understanding but completely oblivious one.

All their hands are touching her, her skin warm but at the same time, so cold. Sun strokes her hair and Wolfgang is the firm grip on her hip, and it’s all so personal she nearly cries.

The realisation of the lies she’s told hits her full force. What if they could be mor understanding than she’d believed? What if they could help her through this? But then again, what if they can’t? What if the second the words leave her mouth, the cut her off - they leave her without the support system she so relies on?

“Can we go home, please?” she asks, feeling the stares of the people around the the grocery store.

“Of course,” Will says, putting an arm around her waist and lifting her straight. They abandon the basket and the cereal and leave, all of them together, standing so close that anyone who could see them would wonder about the relationship they share.

She’d laugh in their faces and tell them they wouldn’t understand.

A wave of sickness passes over her and she bends over awkwardly to gag, the sickness not subsiding but the need to vomit fading slightly. She can feel their worry through their connection and it makes her feel more ill, the impending questions pressing down upon her.

Will pushes her through the door and lowers her onto the sofa, rushing to the kitchen quickly while the rest of themstand or sit around her, Kala by her head, Wolfgang at her feet, Capheus, Sun and Lito on the floor and Nomi behind the sofa itself.

Will places a wet towel over her forehead, yet it slips slightly as she shivers violently - Wolfgang presses her leg down and frowns even more than normal.

"Don't suppose you fancy telling us what the fuck is going on?" Nomi asks, ever blunt. Riley sees the glare Capheus throws the woman over her body and nearly chuckles, before shaking once again.

"I d-don't know," she stutters, teeth clamping around the word as though her body doesn't want to speak the lie trying to leave her mouth.

Kala looks more worried than normal as she runs a hand over Riley's sweaty hair. "Sweetheart, this is not normal. Have you eaten anything bad?"

Tears threaten to spill out of her eyes; they're so caring, so kind and she deserves none of it. The events of that evening a few months ago weigh down on her like a rock - she hadn't known she'd have this bad a crash so late after the event and now everything was ruined.

A hand tightens on her leg, nails into the skin and a gasp that sounds so out of character she's almost surprised.

"Get her a large jug of water, now. Iced." Wolfgang says, standing and moving closer to her head. She feels another hand on her forehead and a gentle breath on her ear. "Why didn't you tell me?"

The sudden shock she feels makes her head lift from the arm of the couch which causes a wave of nausea to wash over her once more. The other sensates are all around her, eyebrows pulled together and worry in their eyes.

Riley looks to Wolfgang with wide, panicked eyes. His are deep, knowing, educated and she realises that he is more aware than she had given him credit for.

"Why do you think?" she tells him, yielding to the tears and letting them slide down her face. Will drops the jug of water on the table, not caring about the puddle the splash leaves, and drops to his knees beside her looking just as confused as everyone else.

"You could've told me," Wolfgang tells her honestly, brushing a thumb over her cheek. "I'd never have done whatever it was you were so scared of." Somehow his usually harsh accent has softened into a calming, gentle lull.

"Wait, what, tell you what?" Will asks, sounding panicked. His innocent question draws a cry from her throat as she turns her head away, burying her face in the cushion beside her - the shame of what she knows he'd about to find out is too much to deal with.

"Tell me what happened, Riley," Wolfgang coaxes, stroking her face. She doesn't know exactly what it means but she thinks about that evening and turns towards him to watch the cloud of realization and recognition wash over him; she assumes he can see everything that had happened, everything she'd felt. His jaw clenches and he looks angry, his eyes becoming dark and it makes more tears form and fall; she turns away to hide them.

"No!" he near shouts, reaching for her cheek and turning her back. "I'm not angry at you, none of us are. I'm angry at him, I'm angry at us for not realising."

"Realising what?!" Nomi urges, clasping Riley's hand tightly.

"Do you want to-" he starts, but Riley makes a strangled noise and shakes her head so violently that he stops speaking. "Do you want me to?" At her nod, she feels everyone in the group noticeably clench as thought preparing for whatever he might say. "Riley is- Riley has- A while ago, before she had the dream, I assume, Riley had a slight drug habit."

She nearly rolls her eyes at the obvious announcement. That part of her past had been clear until a few months ago when she'd covered it up again for fear of them linking it to what she had been feeling - it was the newest discovery that was holding her captive this way.

"A while ago, she... She met an old friend and er," she nearly laughs at how such a topic could turn a hard man into a stuttering fool. "She just-"

"I fucking did it again," Riley announces, nearly gagging at the bitter taste the words bring - the shame and embarrassment making her want to curl into a ball. "I just, he had some and I'd been craving like we drug addicts do and I'm weak, I'm so fucking weak, and I didn't tell you because I'm so ashamed and I didn't want you to hate me and leave me, please don't leave me because-"

"Riley!" Kala cuts her off, "No one's leaving you, my love." Though the words are kind, Riley knows that that's what everyone says, they are words people speak before doing just that. The panic, the overwhelming panic that consumes her makes it hard to breathe, makes their faces cloud but is it the tears or the shame because she can't tell and she feels a hand leave her and she knows what's coming but then it weaves into her own and their fingers link and she's so confused-

"Riley, please, we're here," says Capheus, "Look at me."

She does, and his kind eyes, so wise while still being innocent fill her with comfort; he's not leaving, he's here. Her eyes wander to Sun's, so full of understanding and worry. Sun doesn't hate her either. Sun's not leaving.

She checks each of them, making sure that everyone is there and she's hit with the reality of how co-dependent this fucking cluster has made her.

She looks at Will, expecting to see disgust, maybe distaste or even pure hatred, but instead sees acceptance, even though there is a tear running down his face. He clasps her forearm, running a finger along the skin there.

"No one is leaving you," he tells her. She doesn't know how they realised that everything they're saying is exactly what she needs to hear but somehow their words comfort her and bring her to a level of sanity where she can breathe and take in the situation.

"I'm so sorry-" she tries to say, but the sob that bubbles out of her throat cuts it off. Riley sits up, digging the heels of her palms into her eyes as though to press the tears back. When she leans forward further, her head falls onto Lito's helpfully placed shoulder and she pulls her hands from Capheus and Will's hands to grasp at his shirt, revelling in the warmth and comfort of his broad body.

Hands rub at her body; a shoulder, a foot, her hair and her arms, and she looks around at these people that she's only known for a while but that have become her closest friends. Kala, kind and soft; Nomi, smart, cunning; Sun, so vicious and angry but also so caring and protective.

And Will, always Will.

The comfort that surrounds her from all sides helps with the sickness and the shivers, until she only feels mildly ill. The hand on her back coaxes the last of her sobs out and into Lito's shirt, and when she's no longer shaking she moves back, leaning against the arm of the chair.

"I'm so sorry," she says, honestly remorseful, "I never wanted to hurt any of you."

"The only reason we're hurt is because we're seeing you in pain." Kala tells her, one side of her lip pulling up into a kind but bitter smile.

"And feeling that pain, don't forget." Wolfgang comments, and the group release a slight chuckle. "Too soon?"

"Never." Riley says, holding onto Will's hand as though scared to let go.

"I'm sorry you didn't feel you could tell us that-" Will starts.

"Stop, please," she cuts him off, "If anyone even dare think this may be their fault, I'll kill them. I'm the one that drew away from the cluster, I'm the one that decided not to tell you and for that, I'm sorry."

"Just promise us," Lito says, "That you will never, ever, keep something like this from us again.•

"Yes," Sun comments, "I'd agree with that, at least. And this is for everyone, please never be afraid of admitting anything to any of us. Riley, none of us would have thought any less of you for experiencing any kind of urges. Know for the future that you can always tell us."

"For now though, we'll help you through this," Nomi tells her, brushing a knuckle against Riley's cheek. "All of this."

She turns her head to face Will, who she was so scared would hate her, yet the kindness in his face and the slight smile he wears manages to calm any fear she'd had.

Riley feels a wave of love flow through her, which is strangely not her own. She struggles to trace it, feeling some come from Will, some from Wolfgang - some from everyone in the cluster. Everyone supports her, everyone loves her and most importantly, no one hates her.

"Thank you-" she chokes out. "Thank you so much."

The overwhelming gratitude overcomes the sickness, the craving, and leaves only the most positive of emotions - so much love for everyone around here, all these people that seen to care about her so much and say they aren't going anywhere.

Will smiles, and she can see love in his eyes too. She feels it; how much he cares for her, for everyone, and it's so warm.

Capheus rests a hand upon her leg and rubs it against the skin there. She can feel just how grateful he is - he's a man of simplicity, someone who is happy to be there with everyone and requires no extravaganza to find optimism.

Sun, who appears emotionless and calm to anyone who sees her but is truly protective, caring and almost motherly - someone who has been overlooked her entire life and is glad to be with people who actually appreciate her.

Kala, so full of kindness and love, and wisdom beyond her years who, Riley knows, would take a bullet for anyone there.

The ever dramatic Lito who acts so buff to anyone who seems him but is so completely dependent on those who shows him kindness.

Nomi, who has been so badly hurt by so many people and feels so at home amongst a ragtag group of people from all kinds of cultures and backgrounds.

Wolfgang, so hard and strong and mean but also so fiercely loyal and protective, even loving.

And god, Will, always Will; kind and sweet and pure and good. Loving Will, nice Will, Riley's Will.

She looks around at them all, so different and out of place and mismatched but so perfect at the same time.

"Where would I be if this had never happened?" she questions, rubbing her thumb over the back of Will's hand. "Where would we all be?"

Will sucks his bottom lip into his mouth, thinking for a second. "I'd be lost somewhere, still alive but not quite living," Riley smiles at him and he returns it with a lopsided grin, "Because I'd be walking around every day without you."

Riley leans forward and presses her lips to his, her eyes falling shut.

She knows right then that she'll never do drugs again, she's got her own personal addiction in the form of Will Gorski.


End file.
